I accidentally burped into my bong.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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