Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
