Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Randomize
