In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize