if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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