im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I intend to get homeless drunk
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
