I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
