im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i believe in u and ur pee
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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