batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
