Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
