Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
