Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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