its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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