when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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