I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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