I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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