You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
