I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
