Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Randomize