I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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