if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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