see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
