So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
