Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
