Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
