peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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