Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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