I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
