apparently the secret to your success is patron
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Randomize
