At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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