the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just cropdusted the office
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
