You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
