If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
