i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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