Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
