the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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