you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
