i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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