We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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