so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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