just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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