I wish I could punch you in the face.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
