Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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