Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
