So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
