My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
dude i'm inner monologue high
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
