You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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