There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
