there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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