I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize