did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize