Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
