I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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