Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
