I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Randomize
